Pg 56: My Imaginary Boyfriend

I'm a sucker for suspense. Just not when it comes to my love life. Or at least my attempt at one. But just my luck, I've been dangling in suspenseful limbo for almost two months since meeting this dude on OkCupid. I have no idea how our profiles even crossed paths 'cause I was specifically clear with Cupid that he aim his arrows strictly within the five boroughs. And even still, I'm partial to Manhattan and Brooklyn. So, how I ended up connecting with and crushing on a dude 4.5 hours away by bus (I checked) is beyond me! This guy is literally the only guy I've responded to on OkCupid since joining in February. (Well, except for the married doctor. And that was before I realized he was married.) In fact, this is one of the few guys that didn't repulse me his no-game-havin', cocky, playa-playa mentality.

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Pg 55: Hypothetical Sex Addict

As if my single and celibate self wasn't already consumed with enough thoughts of sex. But since availing myself to the world of dating, copulation feels imminent and fantasy has begun disrupting my general productivity. So has a discreet little vibrating toy I picked up at Babeland. I never realized how crippling stifled sexual desire could be. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I've ever experienced a sexual void so deep that I lost sleep over it. Celibacy has turned me into an insomniac! Besides that, it's got me walking around wistfully with baby-making music like Jodeci crooning in my ears while fantasizing about men, women, movie stars and random people on the subway.

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Pg 54: Does Mr. Right Exist?

I don't know if it's age and maturity or shear fear, but I realize that I'm far more cautious in my approach to dating than I was in my twenties. That was the last time I was single. Back then I was so easily lured by looks and raw physical attraction that I was pretty reckless with my heart and my body; not thinking of the emotional consequences of giving too much or giving it up too quickly to someone not worthy of me. It's as if I didn't know my value beyond my body or beyond pleasing and appeasing someone physically and emotionally. I never really thought about what I ultimately wanted from a guy or out of a relationship besides feeling... simply wanted.

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Pg 53: OkCupid Ego Boost

Drunk with insomnia and perhaps better judgment, I took the plunge and dove headfirst into the 21st century trend of on-line dating. For someone who hasn't even been on a date in ten years, this was a completely new and bizarre approach to flirting, dating and perhaps finding a love connection. My first instinct was to set up radically different on-line dating profiles on various sites; each representing just a part of my multi-faceted Gemini personality. That way, I could see which side of Keex is the man magnet based on the number of winks, drinks and quiver matches.

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Pg 52: Am I Ready For Cupid?

So, now that I'm officially divorced (three years later) and still dealing with the emotional, legal and financial ramifications, I find myself questioning my belief in marriage. Divorce has been a big reality check. It's reminded me that, as much as my marriage was a public declaration of my love and commitment to my EX, it was just as much a business deal. We merged bank accounts, built assets and created joint plans for our future together. Plus, I proudly (& legally) relinquished my maiden name - my identity since birth - and added the title of "Mrs" to my EX's last name.

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